Cartman is Pregnant
by mcfishie
Summary: Butters gets religious and discovers Cartman is carrying the second coming of Jesus.


Title: Cartman is Pregnant

Author: mcfishie

Rating: MA

Characters: Cartman, Butters, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Jesus, Peter Gabriel, Mrs. Cartman, The Broflofski's

Summary: Butters gets religious and finds out Cartman is pregnant with the second coming of Jesus. A cult begins around Eric and things get wild.

Disclaimer: Trey Parker and Matt Stone are gods. Everything belongs to them.

The school bell rang as Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny entered Mr. Garrison's classroom.

"Cartman, what's with the waddle?" Kyle gave Eric a puzzled look.

"Its not a waddle you asshole its how my leg muscles react to all the working out I've been doing." Cartman flexed his flabby arms. Stan let out a laugh.

"There is no way you have ever lifted anything heavier than a cheeseburger to your face."

"I really don't appreciate your insane jealousy Stan. Being a pathetic dick head doesn't suit you." Cartman ceased waddling and made a ninety-degree angle with his body in order to fit into the desk. A thunderous thump and snap immediately followed, and the class all turned to laugh at Eric on the ground. He had broken the desk, again. But this time it was worse than usual. The seat cracked right in half, like an elephant had cannonballed into it. A muffle came out from under Kenny's hood and Eric lost it.

" GOD DAMN IT KENNY MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT BUT OF COURSE YOU ARE TOO POOR TO KN—" Cartman stopped his sentence short and quickly crawled to the trash can. He stuck his head inside and a sound resembling a drowning cat echoed throughout the classroom.

When Kyle caught his breath from laughing, he asked "Christ, Cartman. You know what happens when you eat road kill."

Eric's head remained in the trashcan but he let go of his grasp on the side of it to give Kyle the finger.

"Alright class, settle down. Now has anyone seen Butters?" Mr. Garrison inquired.

"He has gotten really into his religion recently. His parents called Principle Victoria and got her to agree to let him come in late so he can attend morning mass." Wendy politely answered Mr. Garrison's question.

Meanwhile, a few blocks away, Butters was just getting out of mass and beginning his commute to school. He sang a hymn under his breath while he tried to walk fast to stay warm.

"Because I love Jesus, my Savior and thine, There's peace in my soul, there is comfort divine; 'Twill always abide, for the promise is mine, Because I love Jesus."

An all white stretch Hummer limousine pulled over on the side of the road next to Butters. As the tinted window was lowered, a blinding light emitted from the limo, and a older man with balding white hair in a white turtleneck appeared, smiling at Butters.

"Hello little boy. My name is Peter Gabriel. Is this the town of South Park, Colorado?"

Butters struggled to catch his breath to respond, " Why yes, yes it is."

"Well I'm wondering if you can help me. I believe that I may have impregnated someone in this town. Their name was something like Corgan, or Kaptan, or Cartman."

"Cartman?"

"Yes something like that. Do you have anyone here by that name?"

Butters jaw dropped as fast and his Bible as he took off running towards school.

"FELLAS FELLAS FELLAS!" Butters screeched as he plowed into the classroom.

"Now CALM DOWN Butters. I thought church would help straighten you out, not get you coming to school all drugged out. If you are going to be a weird spiritual type of religious I'm going to have to send you to the principal!" Mr. Garrison shot Butters a threatening look.

"What's up Butters?" Stan asked.

"Well you see fellas, I was just leaving church, and that angel named Gabriel appeared to me! Right there on the street! Can you believe that? And he told me that he has made Cartman pregnant! Cartman you are going to deliver our savoir!" Butters couldn't contain his excitement.

The boys turned to look at Cartman halfway through a chocolate bar at his desk.

"God chose Cartman to carry the next coming of Jesus?" Stan was shocked.

"This is why I'm Jewish." Kyle glared at all the Gentiles who had criticized him.

"I swear fellas, Gabriel told me and everything! This is a miracle! Eric is going to save us all from eternal damnation!" Butters was now hopping up and down out of joy.

"YA HEAR THAT YOU ASSHOLES? I'M YOUR SAVIOR. GET ON YOUR KNEES RIGHT NOW AND BOW DOWN." Cartman got in front of the class and raised his arms out like a beam of God's light was shining upon him.

"I guess it does explain how he is more fat than usual. And his morning sickness." Stan admitted as he got out of his seat and onto his knees.

"On to our next story. Today in a small mountain Colorado town a 10 year old boy name Eric Cartman was reportedly filled by the holy spirit and is now pregnant with the second coming of Jesus. We have Jessica on location. Jessica, what is going on there?"

"Well, Tom, it is a sight to see. In just a few hours since the archangel Gabriel's second annunciation, the small town of South Park, Colorado has been taken over by worshipers. People cannot believe this day has arrived and are dropping everything in their lives to come kiss the ground Eric Cartman walks upon. At the front of the worshipping is another 10-year-old boy, one of Eric Cartman's good friends, Leopold Butters Scotch. The ironic thing here Tom is that Leopold was actually the one who communicated with the angel and got to give this great news to one of his very best friends. Hold on Mike there appears to be something going on. A large parting is forming in the crowd. I see ropes being thrown around. Many men are lifting something up. It appears the worshipers have erected a statue of Eric Cartman. I repeat, there is a larger than life shrine to this ten year old boy in the center of South Park, Colorado."

"Oy vey, Sheila would you come listen to this non sense?" Mr. Broflofski took a break from eating his matzah to call his wife into the room.

"Oh my, this is surprising. KYLE! KYLE! COME DOWNSTAIRS SWEETIE." Mrs. Broflofski yelled upstairs to her son.

Kyle arrived at the bottom of the stairs to see the television screen and immediately let out a large grunt. "I can't believe that this many people got suckered into this."

"What do you mean bubby?"

"All I know this that Butters came into school late today blabbering about someone named Gabriel who told him that Cartman is going to save us all. And everyone believed him! And now town has been taken over by idiots who haven't even waited to have Cartman get a pregnancy test before they quit their jobs." Kyle's shoulders sunk as he lost all faith in the human race.

"Honey that's just how non-Jewish people are! They believe anything a person will tell them that explains how we got here and who created the earth! Now, is there any conceivable way that your little friend Eric is going to be able to birth a child? No! That is just a fact. People will go crazy over this for a little while until they forget about it. Now perk up, you look like you just had your bar mitzvah canceled." Sheila gave her son a pat on the head.

" A little while? I can't give him that long to bask in this." Kyle turned to his little brother. "Ike, come on. We've gotta go find Jesus."

Downtown South Park was complete chaos. Massive crowds were overtaking the town. Multiple cars had been flipped over and numerous S.W.A.T helicopters were circling overhead. Centered around the Eric Cartman statue were the worshipers, all kneeling on the ground humming their own prayers. Butters stood on a soap box next to the statue, clutching a mega phone and singing out to the crowd:

"Because I love Cartman, my Savior and thine, There's peace in my soul, there is comfort divine; 'Twill always abide, for the promise is mine, Because I love Cartman."

Tweek pushed through the crowd with a small scroll of paper, making his way up to Butters. The scroll tapped his shoulder, and he unrolled it frequently.

"Oh my. OH MY." Butters brought the megaphone back up to his face.

"HEY EVERYONE LISTEN UP! ERIC IS GONNA COME OUT TO SPEAK TO ALL OF US. EVERYONE PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO WHAT USED TO BE THE SUPERMARKET."

The crowd turned to look at the burning pile of ruble that was run over in the hysteria. Out of the smoke came Eric Cartman perched in a bullet proof glass bubble atop the Pope-Mobile. Eric was adorned in a long navy blue robe, part of it wrapped over his head, only revealing his face. His eyes were looking down and his hands were poised in the prayer position. Two Swiss guards were in the front of the tiny car and beeped the horn incessantly as they tried to get through the crowd.

People went insane. Women were crying, holding their babies in the air in order to be closer to Cartman. Men fell to their knees in awe and children pushed through the legs of the crowd to get as close as they could. Eric's expression did not change until the car reached the statue. He got out very slowly and took Butter's place on the soap box. He raised the end of the megaphone to his mouth and began to speak in a quiet tone, keeping his eyes down. "Thank you for coming everyone. Your support means the world to me. I am feel a lot of pressure, being chosen to deliver the second coming of Christ and all. But I know that our Heavenly Father has made the right choice, and I am willing to rise to the challenge." A roar of applause erupted among the crowd. "Excuse me. Excuse me. Ah yes, bless you too. Now excuse me!" Jesus and Kyle politely made his way through the crowd until he reached the soap box. Eric raised his eyes for the first time. "Well hello Jesus! Have you come to meet your new half brother or sister?" "I'm sorry Eric I am not here for that reason. Your friend Kyle came to me and told me the situation. And I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it is physically impossible for little boys to get pregnant." Jesus put a hand on Cartman's shoulder. The entire crowd let out a massive "AWW" in disappointment. "No Jesus, are you sure? Gabriel came in a white limo and told me!" Butters looked at Jesus with a glimmer of hope remaining in his face. "Yes Butters, Kyle told me this also. Did you know that the man in the limo was Peter Gabriel, lead singer of Genesis? He came to me earlier this afternoon asking if I knew where a woman named Cartman was because he had a dream that he had impregnated her about 10 years ago on tour. Ah, here is Peter now!" Jesus turned towards the man Butters had thought was an angel emerging from the crowd. On Peter's arm was Cartman's mom and they were smiling as they came up to Eric. "Hello sweetie. Oh look what a nice statue of you. I want you to meet Peter. He is a lot like you and wants to be your friend." Lianne Cartman smiled and started pushing her son toward Peter Gabriel's open arms. "DAMN YOU JESUS. DAMN YOU KYLE YOU DAMN JEW." The rest of Cartman's racial slurs were muffled when his face was forced into Peter's chest. Peter struggled to pick Eric up and carry him away with his mother. "Well everyone, I think we learned an important lesson today. You can't believe everything you hear. And before destroying the town, you should try to find some factual evidence to what is causing your hysteria." Kyle looked around at Stan, Kenny, and Butters who had all been worshipping Cartman 5 minutes before. "Well, you guys wanna go watch TV?" Stan asked the group. A muffled response came out from under Kenny's hood and the boys started to walk out of the crowds. A strong gust of wind came by and the Cartman statue blew over, directly onto Kenny, piercing him through the heart with the point of the crown.


End file.
